Well, I have been back in the states now for 2 days. I am finally coming back into reality. I tend to disassociate from my surroundings and compartmentalize experiences when things get too overwhelming. I feel like my head has been floating above my body for the past 2 days. Today is the first day it feels like it may just be attached...at least for now.
I have been sleeping a lot and trying to get over this flu I caught in South Africa. That's right. I had the flu while in South Africa. I even got to go to the ER. This is why I haven't written in the blog for awhile.
Anyway. The ER was a blatant example of racial inequality in South Africa. We went to a private hospital because the public hospitals are a mess apparently. We drove through a nice neighborhood full of gorgeous, heavily gated and alarmed houses. Most of the people (patients) at the hospital were white. Most of the people working reception were white. Most of the doctors were white. Most of the people who worked in the restaurant were black women. As an American, I was respected and listened to. As a white woman, I was called back to the examining room within half an hour of my arrival. My doctor was a nice white Afrikans woman. She was kind of harsh though in her mannerisms but whatever. She gave me the drugs I needed to kick the flu.
So, my last 2 1/2 days in South Africa were spent in bed, or coloring. Yes, coloring. I have taken up a spiritual practice of coloring mandalas. They really relax me, allow my mind to wander while remaining active. It's kind of like knitting. Mundane but allows me time to sit quiet and think, and I still feel productive because in the end, I have a lovely scarf or blanket...or folder full of colored mandalas.
Anyway.
So the biggest revelation for me from the WMEI seminar was that I can live out my calling in the Great Commission, while also maintaining my vocational goals of interfaith work and peace-making. The one thing that Dr. Eddie Fox said in his lectures that will remain with me, and changed my view of the evangelical movement within Methodism, was that, "We don't do the saving. Only God can do that. But, we are called to share our faith." I think so often I have though evangelicals were just using fear tactics to manipulate people into confessing a faith that they don't really understand. I now know that some evangelicals may be like this, but in Methodism, we allow for God's mysterious nature to remain intact. We are humble enough to sit back and allow God to do God's work through grace. All we have to do is share our faith. That can be through words, or relationships, stories, or actions. This is a big deal for me people. My life can be a testimony to my faith. My life IS my faith sharing tool. Or at least I hope so!
OK. So there is another big revelation. Well, I kind of already knew this, but I get it now. Racism sucks. I have benefited from a racist society and culture. I have also been told time and again not to say certain things for fear of being called a racist. Thing is, if we don't talk about some issues, nothing will change. If we maintain tolerance in favor of true understanding, relationships will not form, and change will not come. Look at Candler. We don't want to offend people. So often I bite my tongue at Candler for fear I will be judged unworthy of being in seminary. Read that again....for fear I will be JUDGED...as UNWORTHY of being in SEMINARY?! Seminary is actually one of THE most judgmental environments I have been in. I'm judged by my professors, the staff, my peers. Constantly, every day. For my preaching skills, my pastoral care skills, my life skills, my study habits, my call to ministry, the way I pray, the way I walk to take Holy Communion. The way I preach. Ahh. Of course, I am paranoid and may be putting pressure on myself but still. It's there.
But the thing that urks me the most is that I am judged and placed in a certain pigeon hole because of the color of my skin. Yes, I am white. Yes, I benefit from a societal structure that sets me up for success while setting others up for failure. But, that doesn't mean I am not aware of this. So, stop telling me I don't understand oppression. Am I not a woman? Am I not a rape survivor? I know oppression damn it. Let's not have a competition over this. Over who is oppressed more. Don't look at me like I am unworthy of your conversation just because I happen to be a member of the historically oppressive majority. God is on the side of the oppressed, the poor, the marginalized. That depends on experience, not skin color.
Oh, and one more thing from the trip. OK, so 3 revelations. I also already kind of knew this one going in, but it was made abundantly clear while I was in Africa. Americans are spoiled and whiny! Like, really whiny! I am just as guilty as anyone else in this so don't read self-righteousness into what I am about to say.
We sat in a room at the retreat center with mostly black male pastors from around Africa. Some of them have not seen their families for 10 weeks because they are traveling around their circuit preaching and running the church. Some are refugees from civil wars-- Rwanda especially. Some are struggling to feed their families. I sat with my American friends..we don't know civil war, I have never gone hungry a day in my life (well, that wasn't my choice). I have never had to sleep outside because my parents couldn't afford a roof over my head and walls to guard me from the elements. I have never had to beg for food--standing outside restaurants, watching for white people to come out with left overs, or spare change. I am not a teenage mother, or an HIV/AIDS patient. I have health care. I always have had health care, and access to quality physicians. I am educated. I went to boarding school and college..two separate colleges actually. I am in graduate school at one of the finest institutions in the country. I have a loving family. I have a supportive family. My family is alive. They are not sick. My parents are not deceased because of AIDS. We have always been able to buy our clothes, our food, our shelter, and even go on vacations. I have been to the dentist. I have all of my teeth.
So many in South Africa and other areas of the world have none of these things. They live in make shift shacks in township settlements on the outskirts of town. If you didn't drive outside the city to find them, you'd probably never even know they were there if you grew up white in South Africa.
I whined about not having hot water, about my room being cold, about being hungry because the food at the retreat center was not vegetarian friendly. I whined about being tired, about being sick, about not having enough time to recuperate between the trip and the start of school. I am spoiled. I have this attitude of entitlement that drives me crazy. So many times I had to stop and tell myself that when I am hungry, I can eat whatever food I choose. And, when I am sick, I can go to a doctor for a small co-pay fee. When I am cold, I can turn on the heat in my home. When I have no hot water, I can call my landlord and complain.
The differences between the West and the poor of the world astonishs me. You read about this stuff and hear your parents telling you to finish your dinner because there are starving kids in Africa. But, until you see it, it doesn't seem real. It becomes more than a ploy to get you to eat your peas. It becomes real. People are hungry. People are dying. People are cold. People lose their loved ones to violence, see family members killed in front of them. Are innocent bystanders of riots, with only trash can lids for protection against bullets and bombs. When are we going to wake up and start treating one another as fellow children of God?
I want the church to be the church. I am tired of American churches bickering about homosexuality and other divisive issues. There is a place for the debate, sure, but can we first prioritize where our focus needs to be? There are people who are hungry, dying, orphaned, living under tin roofs set on top of two piles of bricks. Get over it people, and get some perspective. What is the church called to be? Where is the church called to be? In committee meetings and annual conferences debating homosexuality in the Bible and in the life of the church? No. The church is called to BE the church IN THE WORLD. Jesus did not spend his time bickering with his disciples about what kind of bread to use at Holy Communion, or about who was worthy of preaching the Good News. No, He was OUT in the world, meeting people from all walks of life, helping and healing people no matter their nationality or skin color, or even religious tradition. Why do we think Jesus is our reason for excluding people, when he never did.
